New Policy Bans All Piercings at WWC
Jonah Turner | April 1, 2026
Vice President of the United States J.D. (Juris Doctor) Vance expresses his discontent with heavily pierced liberals after the announcement of a new tracking policy via piercings. (Clara Shirley/Echo)
As of Monday, April 6, Warren Wilson College (WWC) will no longer allow body piercings on campus.
The announcement came in a statement from Shmian Shmith, executive director of facilities and operations, early this week. Notably, the email only included the list “employee-l”, so the missive completely dodged the student body. Luckily, it was uncovered by Echo journalists who nosily looked at an employee’s laptop screen in Gladfelter dining hall.
“Students, faculty, and staff,
As you are all aware, those with political beliefs anywhere in between mild and thai-spicy are being targeted and monitored by the government. The new tracking method includes using body piercings, a ‘fact’ which they only recently came to the conclusion that all left-aligned people must have. For the time being, the president’s office has decided to align itself against the poopoo feds and require that all students remove their piercings for the safety of the community.
There will be a tray in front of Gladfelter where contraband can be turned in throughout the next week. Blacksmithing has agreed to repurpose all of the confiscated jewelry into replacement forks and spoons for the Gladfelter dining hall because Sodexo can’t yet track its own silver.
We appreciate your attention to this matter.
Respectfully,
Shmian Shmith
Executive Director of Facilities and Operations”
The tray will be monitored by a Public Safety officer at all times. According to Shmith, Public Safety officers have now been equipped with state-of-the-art [10 year old] metal detectors to go along with their regular kit of a comically heavy ring of rarely-used keys and an absurdly powerful flashlight.
In addition to confiscating open containers, taking photos of student IDs and searching for illegal piercings, Public Safety now has the option of taking a picture of any piercings in view in order to enforce the new policy.
“I guess I’ll have to take out my Prince Albert,” a heavily pierced student who opted to remain anonymous for privacy reasons said. “Is Public Safety going to take a picture of that, too?”
This new policy has larger motivations, of course: According to a message from the U.S. Vice President J.D. Vance last Friday, the Department of War now has the technology to acquire the exact location of all “socialist radical liberals” via geolocation through a network of satellites that track traces of sterling silver in close proximity to iPhones. It seems the U.S. government is now after all of the “hardcore libs” that are “living in the shadows”.
“We have had no way of knowing where all of the boot-licking Dems are until now,” Vance said. “Our satellites will allow us to spot all of those little metal decals in people’s lips and noses so that we can protect our children from learning that bodily expression is up to the individual.”
The student reception on campus has strictly conformed to administrative commands, as expected.
“All of this is really scary, but I am more than happy to go along with whatever the college tells me to do,” one student said, actively removing pounds of sterling silver from his left ear.
It is unclear how long this ban will be in effect, but in the spirit of innovation, President Shmamián J. Shmernández and the president’s office has greenlit research projects to find alternative means of expression.
“Unless we find another solution, it will be impossible to tell our students apart from one another,” Shmernández said in a privately disclosed email.
The current solution? EcoSteel. Upperclassmen of the sustainable agriculture program have abandoned their capstone track (with only four weeks to go) in order to quickly get to work on this environmentally friendly, anti-anti-liberal technology.
The Cowpie Crew has agreed to hand over all of the “accidently” overcooked, rock-hard leftover cookies to the researchers, who then work with blacksmithing students to refine the cookie-ore into an alloy with the addition of an “anti-MAGA herb blend” from the Herb Crew. Once the new metal is developed, student artists across campus refine the recycled alloy into replacement jewelry for students who were forced to give up their silver.
Business students have advised that students can acquire this new product using their Hoot-Loot and Gladfelter Dining Crew can hand it out in return for filling out Sodexo’s omnipresent dining surveys.
“The intersectionality of work crews and majors is really inspiring,” Shannon McNair, senior director of work engagement on campus, said. “We rarely see this level of collaboration except on Work Day.”
Lead researchers expect to have the first batch of EcoSteel ready by next week.
The rapid adaptation of the student research and response represents the innovation and dependability that serve as one of the core tenets of the institution.
“This proves that students have what it takes to tackle large problems,” Shmernández said. “This was all very inspiring, but now we can get back to throwing more money at the aquatic center, which finishes development in Spring 2027.”