The Wilson Ethicist: When Is Too Soon to Get Married?
The Echo Editors | March 3, 2026
I've been dating the same person for almost three years now. We've been through the end of high school and now the beginning of college together, and are doing long distance. Originally, after a year of dating, I said that I would want to wait until my brain/frontal lobe was fully developed to think about marriage (I'm a Psychology major). Now that we're halfway through college and the world feels kind of crazy, I'm having other thoughts. I think that the best thing is to take it slow and not feel rushed, but sometimes I really do get scared that something will happen to them health wise (they're into extreme sports) and I'll never get to experience being married with them. We've talked about it in the past and they've let me set the boundaries on when and what place in life we should wait till, and it seems like they really don't care as long as it's with me. I know that they're the only one I want to be with - should I wait like I said originally or go ahead and ask them to marry me?
The key to unpacking your question is your reasoning for wanting to marry your partner. When a couple has been in a long-term relationship, a seemingly natural next step (and often an expected one) is marriage. It appears that you and your partner have a mutual understanding of what your future could look like, and while marriage can be an important and meaningful milestone for couples, a question that you might want to ask yourself is “why?”.
The world right now is uncertain, for sure, and it is easy to feel like you are running out of time or that you might not reach the milestones you are hoping for in your life. However, you have expressed that you have carefully considered your capacity (your brain development and age) for life-changing decisions and concluded that the rational decision is to wait, even though you seem to be sure that you only want to be with your partner. If you know that you will take the step to marry them eventually, but now want to secure that future sooner than you had originally planned, perhaps you should ask yourself what you want from a married life.
Marriage is, at its core, an institution and a legally recognized contract. While the contractual aspect of marriage, or the promises partners make to each other, is often the one people accept during marriage, the institutional aspect, including state recognition of a couple and the legal changes that come with a partnership, is a very real and important part of any marriage, and the two cannot be separated. While there are many personal reasons someone might choose to get married, and many individual ways of perceiving one’s partnership, it is important to recognize exactly why you feel that you need to take this step. If you are worried about your partner’s health, are you hoping to experience the legal benefits that come with marriage or simply experience a domestic partnership with them?
Additionally, since you are currently long-distance, how would an earlier engagement or marriage affect your lives? If you asked them to marry you today, would you be likely to set a wedding date after you each finish school or settle into careers? If so, would this date be similar to one you would set if you proposed after your brain fully develops? In this case, how would a longer engagement change your commitments to each other and the status of your relationship? Even though an engagement is certainly a milestone, it is often a socially, not legally, recognized one. Is social recognition enough for you to feel that you have experienced something more meaningful than before with your partner?
Your question seems to have a dual answer: you should stick by your original plan if your desires in marriage are contractually based (i.e., focused on the promises you and your partner make to one another, or your vows), as you will naturally build your relationship in a similar way simply by continuing what you have been doing for the past three years. However, you may want to re-evaluate your marriage timeline if your desires are for broad social or legal recognition as a state-sanctioned couple.
You can make your commitment to your partner known without the formalities of marriage, and while getting married eventually is obviously important to you, you probably should not make any decision because you feel you have to or because you feel you will never get the chance. That being said, try taking a step back, breathing and critically assessing you and your partner’s ideas about what marriage means for you as individuals, for you as partners and for your future together.
Best of luck!
~The Ethicist
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