The Wilson Ethicist: Baby Belonging Beffudlement
The Echo Editors | Feb. 17, 2026
Disclaimer: This submission contains discussion of kidnapping, custody challenge and violence against children. This edition of The Wilson Ethicist is satirical, but readers should take note that some themes may be upsetting.
My baby was stolen by this other chick who says she’s the real mother. What do we do, oh Wise King of the Echo?
This is a complicated issue, and while there are limited philosophical resources for working out custody concerns, I can tell you that in cases of kidnapping and challenged genetic relation, it is best to seek legal counsel. Getting a good lawyer and taking your case before a judge can allow you and the woman claiming to be the true mother of your baby to be fairly heard, genetically tested and to (potentially) reunite the baby with their biological mother. Additionally, by making this issue a legal one, you can press kidnapping charges on the other party if you are found to be the rightful owner of the baby, which will bring the other woman to justice and keep you and your family safe in the future.
On the other hand, legal fees can add up, parties can refuse to cooperate, and the judicial process could be long and painful. The “professional” advice of the Ethicist is that you find a third party willing to cut the baby in half, perhaps using a sword or another sharp-bladed handheld instrument. This way, both you and the other woman claiming ownership of the baby will be satisfied with half a baby each. A sharp blade is absolutely imperative, as it allows for a clean, precise cut, giving each party a perfectly equal piece of baby. You will also need to pick a third party who is not only skilled with their blade, but also completely neutral in the matter. You would not want to pick someone who might favor the other woman and give her a bigger slice. The question you and the other woman will want to work out prior to the execution of this method is: would you rather have one-half of a baby lengthwise or crosswise?
Of course, you should be appalled reading this if you really are the mother of the baby. This is another reason why involving a third party is necessary; you now have a witness to the fact that the wrongful mother is agreeing with this method of settling the argument and that the rightful mother is horrified and ready to give up the baby to spare their life. Congratulations! Problem solved!
If this method does not work (for some reason), a last resort, proposed by an anonymous party, is that you could simply marry the other woman, making the baby legally both of yours.
Hopefully, this gives you some ideas about how to resolve your sticky situation! Best of luck to the baby!
~The Ethicist
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