The Empty Family Dinner Table
Rae Milstead | April 13, 2023
Grief is a universal experience, in that we will all inevitably and eventually have to face a loss. Whether that loss is of a beloved person in your life, a pet, home, a relationship or a part of yourself. The toll that grief takes and the weight that it brings is not easy — even if you appear to hold it gracefully.
In the past five years, I have lost my brother, father, grandmother, cat, sister and uncle. Four of those losses occurred in the last year alone. Every time I found out, it felt as if time had been fossilized into stone. Grief has an incredible ability to knock you out of balance. The feelings grief brings, for me, include things like dizzying nausea at the thought of things my siblings and I used to do together when I see other siblings together, to the blinding and hot anger on the peaks of my cheekbones when I realize that time hasn’t seemingly stopped moving for everyone else around me — and I have to somehow figure out how to keep going.
I have become so scared of the possibility that I will find myself at an empty family dinner table soon, due to the reality that I just don’t have many family members left.
Grief has this ganz andere to it, a wholly otherness to it. There is no true way to define exactly what happens to our loved ones after they pass, and our brain’s ability to grapple with that is both fascinating and so incredibly daunting. According to Mary S. Cerney, PhD and James R. Buskirk, PhD, in “Anger: The Hidden Part of Grief:” “no two people grieve in precisely the same way. Grieving is an individual, personal process that is multidetermined and multifaceted.” In my experience, the journey of grief is not only different for each person, but it can be different for each loss. I was confused, ashamed and relieved when I lost my abusive and neglectful father. I was angry and scared when I lost my brother to suicide. I was defeated and vengeful when I lost my sister to an overdose.
There are so many metaphors and allegories I could use and have used to somehow explain the feelings and experiences I have dealt with regarding the grieving process. Grief can feel like you’re holding a penny for the rest of your life and you aren’t allowed to put the penny down ever. Some days, the penny feels like it isn’t there, and other days it feels like the penny is the burden that tumbles everything else over.
Grief can impact so many aspects of your physical and mental health. Broken Heart Syndrome is an actual phenomenon that causes a weakening of the left ventricle of the heart; the medical name for this is Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. Those who experience loss that don’t have access to helpful and understanding peers, family or mentors are more likely to experience increased issues around mental and physical health, according to Dow University of Health Sciences.
I like to joke that I am an expert in grief to combat my feelings around the magnitude of family loss I have had to deal with in the past five years. In reality, I’ve been through a lot of therapy and attempted to create ways of coping as I continue going about my educational journey and being a member of the community around me. I have found that communication with myself on how I am handling things and communication with peers and teachers goes a long way in keeping me safe and gentle with myself.
One of the biggest things that helps those who are grieving, and has helped me in the past, is grief support groups. Grief groups can help reduce depressive symptoms in people who have lost a loved one (Oexle N et al.,). These groups can help those who are grieving build connections with others who are also grieving; members feel less alone.
I would like to start a grief group on campus that would include routine meetings under the supervision of a counselor or a therapist that specializes in grief from the community. Meetings could include sitting in a circle and talking about our experiences, planning outings or doing an activity outside all together, group art projects and time together to craft, or at the very least forming a network of contacts that those who are experiencing loss can access if feeling less alone with the ganz andere of loss and grief is needed.
At the end of all of this, I hope that those who are experiencing grief and the loss of a loved one know that there is no place for judgment in grief: you are not alone. Feelings of grief are like guests in your house: welcome them, hold space for them and ask them to leave when they no longer need to be in your home.
If you are interested in being a part of a grief group, you can fill out this link.