The Wilson Ethicist: Un-Friendly Feelings
The Echo Editors | Feb. 10, 2026
“Hi great & wise Ethicist! I have quite the dilemma…so there’s this person in my group of friends. Long story short, we used to be close, had a lot of conflict, and now we’re not so tight. All my friends are still friends with this character, but I reeeeeaaaaalllly struggle to even be around them. It’s not that they’ve done anything horribly bad to me or anything – I just don’t really like them. I think they’re pretty annoying, to be honest. As you might be able to guess, this can make life pretty hard for me, because it’s not like all my friends are going to drop them just because I think they’re annoying. If I can’t just avoid them, how do I put up with them? Does my unfounded hatred make me a bad person? Can I change how I feel about them somehow??? Help!”
This is quite the dilemma! A conflict among friends is always difficult to navigate, especially one that feels one-sided or irrational. The first step in addressing this situation is to reframe the way you see it. “Hatred” is a strong word – if you view your feelings as hate, they may turn from the annoyance you described into something deeper and more difficult to change. Acknowledging that these feelings are unfounded is a step towards reframing them and turning them into something more manageable. Because you do not seem to be able to avoid this person, The Ethicist’s “professional” opinion is that we take a look at the situation through the lens of stoicism.
Stoicism is an ancient school of thought, made popular by the Greco-Roman philosophers, that emphasizes rational thought and self-regulation in order to exist harmoniously with the world. Stoicism is not about abandoning emotions; it is about rationally engaging with one’s feelings to be more in control of one’s expressions.
Stoicism emphasizes what you can control, i.e., your actions, thoughts and feelings in a situation. A tool to counter feelings of annoyance, especially when you cannot (or do not wish to) remove yourself entirely from a situation, is the release of control. Recognizing that you cannot control everything around you or the actions of those around you, and being okay with only being in control of your own reactions is a crucial step in being okay with those who might annoy you.
Emotional regulation is key. In order to regulate emotions, especially annoyance at another, you may find it helpful to disengage, at least mentally, in order to gather your thoughts. You may find it helpful to examine what about this person annoys you. Is it the things they say, the way they speak, something else? Recognizing your triggers in a situation will help you to critically examine them and find a solution. Being able to name issues for yourself and connecting them directly with the way you feel will help you diffuse them.
Another aspect of stoicism is the idea of Sympatheia, or recognizing the interconnectedness of all things in the universe. With this idea, it is key to have empathy for different situations. Having compassion for someone, even if they are displaying traits that are annoying to you, is imperative, especially if your other friends do not share your feelings. Ask yourself if your annoyance is geared toward who this person is or what they do. If they display physical actions that you find annoying, you may be able to have a conversation with them. If you simply do not “click” with their personality, try seeing them the way your other friends see them – what traits make them a good friend or someone people like to be around? Are those things that you can accept into your own view?
Friedrich Nietzsche, a German philosopher, emphasized the importance of amor fati (to love one’s fate). This is a similar idea to former Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius’ belief that we should not worry about what is beyond our control, and focus instead on our own actions. Nietzsche argued that we must be “yes-sayers” and meet difficult situations with openness. These ideas can help us grow as people, because letting go of control allows us to be more open-minded.
Friendship conflicts, especially those perceived as internal, can feel difficult to manage. Hopefully, some of these stoic approaches will give you a better understanding of the situation and an idea of where to start in addressing your dilemma.
Best of luck!
~The Ethicist
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